My usual crowd (my student aide, his friends, some miscellaneous bball kids) were horsing around in my room after school. Kid2 is my student aide.
Kid1: I'm a beaner!
Me: Heeey, we don't use that word.
Kid2: Yeah, Kid1, that word isn't for middle school. We must wait until high school.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Penis is the Topic Today
We are talking about diseases in 6th-grade science.
Me: Can anyone give me an example of a disease?
(I call on various kids... they name cancer, HIV, etc).
Kid: Erectile dysfunction.
Me: Uh, that's not really a disease... more of a disorder.
Kid: Well, there's medicine for it on TV all the time, so it must be some kind of major problem.
Kid: I'm going to play basketball this year.
Me: Oh yeah? Did you get your tryout packet turned in?
Kid: No, I don't want to go get a sports physical.
Me: Why not? It's no big deal.
Kid: Dude, they touch your man parts.
Me: Can anyone give me an example of a disease?
(I call on various kids... they name cancer, HIV, etc).
Kid: Erectile dysfunction.
Me: Uh, that's not really a disease... more of a disorder.
Kid: Well, there's medicine for it on TV all the time, so it must be some kind of major problem.
Kid: I'm going to play basketball this year.
Me: Oh yeah? Did you get your tryout packet turned in?
Kid: No, I don't want to go get a sports physical.
Me: Why not? It's no big deal.
Kid: Dude, they touch your man parts.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Kids Know What's Up
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, do you have a Facebook?
Me: Yep.
Kid: Will you friend me?
Me: Not until you've graduated, nope.
Kid: Why noooot?
Kid2: Because that's how teachers wind up on the news. Duh.
Me: Yep.
Kid: Will you friend me?
Me: Not until you've graduated, nope.
Kid: Why noooot?
Kid2: Because that's how teachers wind up on the news. Duh.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
This Volcano is Bananas... b-a-n-a-n-a-s
During the lecture today, I mentioned that rocks from volcanic eruptions contain potassium and phosphorus, which makes the resulting soil good for farming.
Kid: What's potassium?
Me: It's an element -- it's pretty good for you, in fact. You can get potassium from bananas.
Kid: So wait, there are bananas in volcanos?
Me: ::facepalm::
Kid: What's potassium?
Me: It's an element -- it's pretty good for you, in fact. You can get potassium from bananas.
Kid: So wait, there are bananas in volcanos?
Me: ::facepalm::
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Kid Can't Stop Digging
Me: Please move the seat at the end of the row.
Kid: ::grumbles, refuses to move::
Me: It wasn't a suggestion. Please move now.
Kid: ::moves, continues to argue under his breath::
Me: Keep digging yourself a hole, by all means. You might want a bigger shovel.
Kid2: Mrs. Teacher, I think he's using a tractor at this point.
Kid: ::grumbles, refuses to move::
Me: It wasn't a suggestion. Please move now.
Kid: ::moves, continues to argue under his breath::
Me: Keep digging yourself a hole, by all means. You might want a bigger shovel.
Kid2: Mrs. Teacher, I think he's using a tractor at this point.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Funny Things Kids Say
To set the scene, we are covering Body Systems in 6th grade science. We briefly touch on testes and ovaries as part of the reproductive system.
Kid: What are testes?
Me: Male reproductive organs.
Kid: So what are ovaries?
Me: Female reproductive organs.
Kid: So like, testes for chicks?
Me: Kind of. But female reproductive organs are internal, and male organs are external.
Kid: ::looks confused::
Kid2: It means the balls are on the outside, dude.
Kid goes to the bathroom and comes back with a horrified look on his face.
Kid: Mrs. Teacher... there's like a tampon... THING... in the hallway.
Me: Is it used or did someone just drop one on the ground?
Kid: I don't know THAT much about tampons, geez.
Me: (Prior to viewing a video about Pompeii) - What you have to understand is that these people had no other explanation for the disaster they were facing. They were polytheistic, and what we now discuss as mythology, well, that was their religion and it was taken very seriously.
Kid: But Mrs. Teacher, what happens when we find out OUR religion is just mythology?
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, I think your class is turning me into an atheist.
Me: Why?
Kid: Because I used to think god was in charge of everything, and now you're telling me it's just plate tectonics.
Two kids are squabbling quietly at the beginning of class.
Me: Gentlemen, can we please focus on our warm-ups?
Kid: But Mrs. Teacher! He said I had a hard one in Reading class! I didn't, Mrs. Teacher, I didn't!
Me: ::cover ears:: Laaalalalalalalalala
Kid comes into class.
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, I'd just like to let you know that if my voice is weird, it's because I'm sick and also my voice is currently changing.
I handed out flexible plastic rulers for the metrics activity today.
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, why is this ruler all bendy?
Me: Because kids break stuff, and that's one you can't break.
Kid: Is that a challenge?
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, wouldn't you just KILL YOURSELF if Mr. Coach died?
Me: No, I'd be sad, but I would not kill myself.
Kid: You don't love him as much as Edward loves Bella, then.
(Kids are putting beetles into the box, which I have called "the beetle box," and explained that they will lay eggs in there).
Kid: Into the breeding chamber!
(Kids are coloring posters, one kid colors with white crayon on a green piece of paper).
Kid1 to Kid2, clearly unaware that I am there: Dude, that looks like jizz.
Me: EXCUSE me?
Kid1: Oh, you know what that is?
(Kid comes late to class)
Me: Thanks for joining us.
Kid: Sorry, but I was eating a candy cane in my last class, and it was my first time having a candy cane, and you know how hard it is to eat things for the first time.
Me (to crazy kid): You were so calm and quiet last year. What happened?
Kid: It's all that seventh-grade testosterone, I can't help it.
Me: What's your deal? Calm down.
Kid: I drank a Monster at lunch, there's no stopping me.
(Someone farts in class and everyone is covering their nose except one kid).
Kid: It must be the guy who isn't covering his nose - everyone loves their own brand!
(We're reading out loud, and one of the ESL students is struggling a little with the words)
Kid: You can do it, Senor!
Kid: I'm not smart, Mrs. Teacher.
Me: I don't buy that.
Kid: Obviously I'm not smart enough to fool you!
(Kid gets hit in the groin with a basketball and sits down)
Mr. Coach: Kid1, are you okay?
Kid1: Yeah, Coach, I'll play again when I regain feeling in my genitalia.
Kid2: Haha, you can't make babies!
Me: What is a Cold War?
Kid1: A war without fighting.
Kid2: We ended the Cold War by faking the moon landing, right?
Me: Indonesia is made up of over 13,000 individual islands.
Kid1: Could you ever visit all of them?
Kid2: No, some of them have sharks. (huh??!!)
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, I'm so tired today!
Me: Did your last class wear you out?
Kid: Well yeah, we're doing sex ed!
Kid1: Mrs. Teacher, Kid2 thinks the girl I like is ugly. Is she? (shows me a cell phone picture).
Me: No, she's not ugly.
Kid2: Oh, please. Mrs. Teacher is a grown woman, she's not going to say a kid is ugly.
Me: So are you asking her out or what?
Kid1: No, I just want to go to the movies and "do stuff" with her.
Me: Why don't you calm down a litte?
Kid: I'm having an EXTREME day!
Me: The word is "meticulous," and it refers to someone who places importance on the details. I'll bet many of you have meticulous mothers.
Kid: My mom is just a nit-picker.
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, can I get a ride with you and Mr. Coach to the basketball game?
Me: Only if it's absolutely okay with your mom.
Kid: She doesn't care as long as you're not a child predator.
Me: That's my dad (pointing to the 6'4'' guy)
Kid: What happened to YOU?
Me: How did Nevada get supplies delivered to its mining towns?
Kid: Magic?
Me: Who was Virginia City, Nevada, named after? (Answer is "Old Virginny").
Kid: Old Virginity.
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, will you take me to In N Out?
Me: No, I will not take you to In N Out.
Kid: If I get an A in this class, will you take me?
Me: I cannot have kids in my car.
Kid: Why, molestation issues?
Me: If Obama or Clinton were to be elected, either would be a historic election. Who can tell me why?
Kid: I don't think women should be president. They're too nice.
Me: When Henry VIII split from the Roman Catholic Church, that opened the door for of all kinds of Christian sects.
Kids: You said sex!
Me: You did not take any notes on this video. You spent the entire movie taking apart your mechanical pencil.
Kid: That's because I'm a good multi-tasker.
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, do you go clubbing?
Me: My "clubbing" days are pretty much over, I'm 27 years old.
Kid: Dang, my parents are 37 and they go clubbing every night!
(Well, that explains it...)
Kid: Ding, fries are done!
Me: Are you rehearsing for your future job?
Kid: Oh, you've got jokes!
Kid: What are testes?
Me: Male reproductive organs.
Kid: So what are ovaries?
Me: Female reproductive organs.
Kid: So like, testes for chicks?
Me: Kind of. But female reproductive organs are internal, and male organs are external.
Kid: ::looks confused::
Kid2: It means the balls are on the outside, dude.
Kid goes to the bathroom and comes back with a horrified look on his face.
Kid: Mrs. Teacher... there's like a tampon... THING... in the hallway.
Me: Is it used or did someone just drop one on the ground?
Kid: I don't know THAT much about tampons, geez.
Me: (Prior to viewing a video about Pompeii) - What you have to understand is that these people had no other explanation for the disaster they were facing. They were polytheistic, and what we now discuss as mythology, well, that was their religion and it was taken very seriously.
Kid: But Mrs. Teacher, what happens when we find out OUR religion is just mythology?
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, I think your class is turning me into an atheist.
Me: Why?
Kid: Because I used to think god was in charge of everything, and now you're telling me it's just plate tectonics.
Two kids are squabbling quietly at the beginning of class.
Me: Gentlemen, can we please focus on our warm-ups?
Kid: But Mrs. Teacher! He said I had a hard one in Reading class! I didn't, Mrs. Teacher, I didn't!
Me: ::cover ears:: Laaalalalalalalalala
Kid comes into class.
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, I'd just like to let you know that if my voice is weird, it's because I'm sick and also my voice is currently changing.
I handed out flexible plastic rulers for the metrics activity today.
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, why is this ruler all bendy?
Me: Because kids break stuff, and that's one you can't break.
Kid: Is that a challenge?
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, wouldn't you just KILL YOURSELF if Mr. Coach died?
Me: No, I'd be sad, but I would not kill myself.
Kid: You don't love him as much as Edward loves Bella, then.
(Kids are putting beetles into the box, which I have called "the beetle box," and explained that they will lay eggs in there).
Kid: Into the breeding chamber!
(Kids are coloring posters, one kid colors with white crayon on a green piece of paper).
Kid1 to Kid2, clearly unaware that I am there: Dude, that looks like jizz.
Me: EXCUSE me?
Kid1: Oh, you know what that is?
(Kid comes late to class)
Me: Thanks for joining us.
Kid: Sorry, but I was eating a candy cane in my last class, and it was my first time having a candy cane, and you know how hard it is to eat things for the first time.
Me (to crazy kid): You were so calm and quiet last year. What happened?
Kid: It's all that seventh-grade testosterone, I can't help it.
Me: What's your deal? Calm down.
Kid: I drank a Monster at lunch, there's no stopping me.
(Someone farts in class and everyone is covering their nose except one kid).
Kid: It must be the guy who isn't covering his nose - everyone loves their own brand!
(We're reading out loud, and one of the ESL students is struggling a little with the words)
Kid: You can do it, Senor!
Kid: I'm not smart, Mrs. Teacher.
Me: I don't buy that.
Kid: Obviously I'm not smart enough to fool you!
(Kid gets hit in the groin with a basketball and sits down)
Mr. Coach: Kid1, are you okay?
Kid1: Yeah, Coach, I'll play again when I regain feeling in my genitalia.
Kid2: Haha, you can't make babies!
Me: What is a Cold War?
Kid1: A war without fighting.
Kid2: We ended the Cold War by faking the moon landing, right?
Me: Indonesia is made up of over 13,000 individual islands.
Kid1: Could you ever visit all of them?
Kid2: No, some of them have sharks. (huh??!!)
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, I'm so tired today!
Me: Did your last class wear you out?
Kid: Well yeah, we're doing sex ed!
Kid1: Mrs. Teacher, Kid2 thinks the girl I like is ugly. Is she? (shows me a cell phone picture).
Me: No, she's not ugly.
Kid2: Oh, please. Mrs. Teacher is a grown woman, she's not going to say a kid is ugly.
Me: So are you asking her out or what?
Kid1: No, I just want to go to the movies and "do stuff" with her.
Me: Why don't you calm down a litte?
Kid: I'm having an EXTREME day!
Me: The word is "meticulous," and it refers to someone who places importance on the details. I'll bet many of you have meticulous mothers.
Kid: My mom is just a nit-picker.
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, can I get a ride with you and Mr. Coach to the basketball game?
Me: Only if it's absolutely okay with your mom.
Kid: She doesn't care as long as you're not a child predator.
Me: That's my dad (pointing to the 6'4'' guy)
Kid: What happened to YOU?
Me: How did Nevada get supplies delivered to its mining towns?
Kid: Magic?
Me: Who was Virginia City, Nevada, named after? (Answer is "Old Virginny").
Kid: Old Virginity.
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, will you take me to In N Out?
Me: No, I will not take you to In N Out.
Kid: If I get an A in this class, will you take me?
Me: I cannot have kids in my car.
Kid: Why, molestation issues?
Me: If Obama or Clinton were to be elected, either would be a historic election. Who can tell me why?
Kid: I don't think women should be president. They're too nice.
Me: When Henry VIII split from the Roman Catholic Church, that opened the door for of all kinds of Christian sects.
Kids: You said sex!
Me: You did not take any notes on this video. You spent the entire movie taking apart your mechanical pencil.
Kid: That's because I'm a good multi-tasker.
Kid: Mrs. Teacher, do you go clubbing?
Me: My "clubbing" days are pretty much over, I'm 27 years old.
Kid: Dang, my parents are 37 and they go clubbing every night!
(Well, that explains it...)
Kid: Ding, fries are done!
Me: Are you rehearsing for your future job?
Kid: Oh, you've got jokes!
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